'Want' or 'Need'?

There are times where other people tell me, "you're still young for that". And I always wondered by myself, am I really too young for it? Could I accept what would come to or against me if I walked that path?

I've always said to myself, I don't want it. I don't need it. I don't benefit from it. I have no use of it.

I've practically psyched myself that I could do without it. When I was in primary we would gross out to the thought of it. So I was fine without it.

Things changed, however. As years passed, my perspective towards it has changed gradually. It became something I thought I must go through when I got older. It became something that I eventually might want. It's as if I have forgotten what I thought in the pass. It may still be in my subconscious, but it seems that I have completely ignored it because I focused too much on the other half.

Though, its not something that I could have if I want to. Its not something we could get in just one or two days. If its not perfect, there is absolute no good in having one. Even though I want it badly, I do not want it the second time if the first one turned out to be a failure. I want it, but I want it long. Its meaningless to have it if it lasts for less than a month, or worse, a week.

These factors once again, psyched me up. When I want one, I always think far, far to the future. Sometimes zoning out, thinking about it makes me smile, and made everyone think I was a weirdo. I don't mind, as long as I know I am not one.

Things changed once again, reaching 18, I realised most of my friends have it already. It has changed their lives completely. Some was happy with it, while some had their sufferings, but they say its still worth it and they were able to work things out. They cherished every moment they had with it.

I used to think that when I reach 18, I will try to get one. I'm willing to change myself in order to get one. I always thought turning over a new leaf was just a piece of cake. So as I entered Form 6, I do things that I never thought I would do, I expose myself to things I thought gross or ridiculous, I tried different ways of presenting myself just to ensure I am worth it to gain one. I've changed.

There is another reason though, I've met an opportunity to get one. Though I may predict some obstacles, I have reasoned it out and in my mind, its the perfect one. I thought to myself, I should not let this opportunity just walk through me. So I got myself involved in it.

However, as I get closed to it, my uncertainties pulled me back 5 steps backward. I was not sure if this is really the right thing to do. Many questions arise;

What would others think of me if I try?

What would happen if I tried, and fail?

What would happen if things don't go well, even if I got it?

These were just the few wondering in my mind. I've discussed with some, I've sat long, long and long, thinking about this matter. Everybody has different opinions for it. Not a thing has helped me in this matter. This made me depress for several days.

I realised though, one day. It suddenly occured to me. Something must have triggered it but I'm not sure. It was then I realised how stupid I was. Its nothing but a mere jealousy towards those who have it. I have other things to worry about then involving myself in this. It can wait. It can...

So,

Being 18 doesn't mean I need a relationship.

Being 18 doesn't mean being single is lame anymore.

Being 18 doesn't mean its time to hook up.

I have to tell this to myself everyday. There is a difference between 'want', and 'need'. It may hurt sometimes seeing the perfect one not being with me, or when other people took the opportunity, especially when I do see her almost every day of the week. But there are a lot more fishes in the sea, and its not necessary to have one now. I have a lot more things to be responsible of at this time of the year. I'm gonna live it to the fullest before I involve myself in a relationship. Wish me luck!

Signed off,

Teng Aun.